I didn't know Black was a cult

As a black girl in middle class suburban neighborhoods, I felt fear when kids from bad neighborhoods came around. Just like everyone else I was intimidated. These kids happened to be black. So I guess it was assumed that I would know what to do. In grade school, I was bullied and teachers blatantly ignored it. They had no idea how to deal with black on black bullying. The black girls were fast talking a physically tough. I had been raised 'soft' in their eyes. In other words, I was priviledged. I did not understand why they were so aggressive. All I knew is that I was their target, so I chose to avoid them. It wasn't easy, especially since bullying me was sport for them. It was confusing to be stuck between two worlds.I and a few other black students were dispersed amongst a crowd of white but we rarely stood out. Previous to new students coming to the school it was only on field trips that we would cross paths with other schoolchildren. Our school was well behaved and quiet. All too often when the other school was majority black it was also unruly (of course we can't say this, and instead point to the few inner city black schools that are well organized and pretend they are the norm...anyway...) This is when the white kids would learn that we weren't all alike. But it was embarrassing to have unruly blacks to be compared to me. It was embarrassing to be compared in the first place. I hated that I had no history or community that supported me. These early experiences as a black girl on the white side of the tracks were when I realized that I was somehow in the wrong spot.

As the communities began to blend more black children moved into the area. They were tough and had a code of beliefs that were foriegn to me. According to them my skin was too dark and my words were too white. I had never dealt with this type of ignorance before. It was painful to learn that even black people, people who looked like me, had accepted and self-identified with such ignorance.

It was form blacks not whites that I learned that there was so much that blacks 'couldn't' do. We couldn't speak properly without being outcasts, we had to all wear the same styles and like the same music. Everything sweet and good was white. Everything tough and ugly was black. I just wanted to be girl but being black was becoming my heaviest burden. Black boys wouldn't date me, but if I dated a white boy I was an a sellout. I didn't realize black was a cult. Being black had strict guidelines. But I wanted only to be free. I wanted to be free to be myself.